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the anatomy of anxiety [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Sosima.Saturn´s Lovechild

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(no subject) [Apr. 10th, 2009|01:39 pm]

and so i entered, paperwork all done, completely dressed in black, maybe in order to give my appearance that special sort of respectability, or rather: in a desperate attempt to feign it. he sat there, manicured hands and ice-cold smile, my grim reaper in a bespoke suit, the profane comparison to ones own funeral. where do you see yourself in five years (and seriously) he asks me. the course of your career has to be set now, prophylactic, so to speak. willingness to a total self-abandonment regarding a well-regulated future. the future might actually just be jumping in my face, so to speak, and i just sit there and am incapable of an answer. therefore, i remain silent while the career-train overruns me. and think: maybe i owe you five minutes but five years belong to me and i will do what i please. in five years i will go east in a caravan, none of them will i know, but that won´t be of any importance, because the only thing that matters is they are not like you. i will lay in cornfields for hours and count the seeds, while my hair will grow and grow until burning snakes will lick and hiss on my spine and with the mere blink of an eye i will turn into stone all those who won´t repay my love. they will say i knew all answers and from all corners of the world will they come to see me. they will sit and beg: please, tell me everything, but i will just laugh and say: your father told me all about you.
I will not regret all the hours and hours of my life that went to waste, because my life will be no more. Be no more like an old woman, me the witch and she the mother. she had never said a word, not once. i will go and ask her, why. and she will answer, how do i overcome this feeling? and we will know her days are up.
we will grow tomatoes rich and red and by the time of harvest i will take a bite of each, silently reciting the name of my lover while i cover my eyes with the color of copper. my face will remain like this forever, two bloody bullet points on a white shattered wall. we will ride on horses that will never be tamed, and each time i get off will i ask them to run over me, to grind my body into the soil for sinning against them. then i will turn away and let no one see my face as i watch the sunset thinking of how my father will never grow old.
there will be no shadows because the sun will shine in all directions, our burned skin will only find relief in the cold sand while we watch the sky at night, a mirror as dark as our souls.
i will drink my coffee black and strong, so that my weak and broken heart will rush like mad while i ask the boys to lay their heads on my chest and i will lie to each and every single one of them as then i say:

it beats so fast because i love youCollapse )
Linkfeeling estranged

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